When Thank You Isn't Enough

There have been instances in my life.... usually in the winter... where I have been driving down the road toward my destination in my car. Everything is smooth... everything is fine. But.... up ahead, I can see a huge black cloud. I'm driving straight toward a huge storm. In my heart.... I hope that I miss the bulk of the storm. Sometimes I do... Sometimes I don't. Sometimes the storm is short... Sometimes it is long.

I find myself driving into the storm and I think to myself, "This is going to be scary..... This is going to be dangerous....... I wish I didn't have to keep going, but I have to."

I drive into the storm... white knuckles clutching the steering wheel... hoping it won't last long. Driving forward and hoping that at any minute the storm will lessen and the weather will become less scary. The drive will be less treacherous.

Wishing there was somebody that could do it for me. But I know there isn't anyone that can. It's a road I have to take.

That's what this journey has felt a like. When Dalley was born, I could see the storm up ahead. I dreaded it. I wanted to turn around. I wanted somebody to drive for me. I wanted the storm to be easy... But it hasn't been.

But I haven't been alone.

Today I sat in the waiting room for Primary Children's operating room. Dalley had surgery to insert a feeding tube into her abdomen... a G-tube.

We decided it was the right direction to go for her feedings. Dalley is getting strong and she hates things taped to her face. This has resulted in her ripping the feeding tube out of her nose... or partially out of her nose several times a day. Because she is on continuous feeds at night for 12 hours, we run the risk of her pulling out her tube while we are sleeping. The risk of aspirating is high. For our sanity... and hers.... a G-tube was inserted.

Getting the G-tube will get us home safer. We are now looking at leaving closer to Memorial Day weekend so she can recover.

This will mean our time in the University of Utah NICU has been 5 months.

The U of U NICU. It is a place that finally brings meaning to the phrase, "being in two places at once."

It feels like Hell. But it has the miracles of Heaven.
I hate it. But I love it.
I wish we never had to be here. I wouldn't choose another team of individuals to care for my baby.
I have laughed to the point of tears. I have cried from sorrow so much I ran out of tears.

I hate this place. I hate that I had to meet the people here. But I love them. We owe them our hearts. They have saved our baby.

I wish I could name them all. I wish I could go back and get a picture of every single one of them. Tell the world how amazing they are.

Their jobs are not easy. I have seen them save several babies lives... Dalley included. I have seen them fight like hell to save a baby... only to let death take the lead. They cry with the parents over joyous moments. They cry with families during devastating moments. They can hopelessly watch a baby pass away, yet still find the ability to come to work the next day and meet a new and worried family.. look them in the eye and say, "we are going to do everything in our power to help your baby." They console. They give hope... but not falsely. They work long shifts. They fight for your child.

They are the doctors, nurses, nurse practitioners, aids, social workers, pharmacists, lab technicians, housekeeping staff, occupational therapists, parent to parent support group....

They are not perfect. They make mistakes. But the credit is theirs. I love them... and I thank them.

Thank you will never be enough.

These are some of them. These are our primary nurses. 

Lisa

Jeanette

Jane

Amy

Amy

These women are fearless. They have caught life-threatening infections before it was too late. Gone to bat for us. Cried for us. Spent their own money on things to make her more comfortable. Loved her. Loved our family.

This NICU is full of AMAZING health care staff. The level of care here is uncomparable. ....And these ladies are our "heavy hitters."

I often wonder why things work out the way they do. I don't know if things in life are controlled... or if it's all by chance.

What I do know... is that despite all of life's challenges... we are lucky. We have the best family and friends. Our corner of the world is incredible. This has been absolutely insane, but we thank you for weathering the storm with us.... Even though it's not over..... thank you for sticking by us.

I say it again.....Thank you will never be enough.

Mothers day came and went. I cannot say goodnight without publicly thanking the incredible woman that raised me. I am lucky enough to have a mother whose absence is one of the single greatest voids in my world. She loved unconditionally and selflessly.

I spent mothers day weekend visiting her... and the three little angels who made me a mother a year ago. Three beautiful little girls who are being cared for by the woman and man that raised me.

And then I came and spent mothers day with this little girl.. Our rainbow baby who has undoubtedly been in their company throughout her very short yet difficult and trial laced life.

Thank you again for helping us through this and loving us. We are so close to home. The storm is lessening.

Life is hard. It is unfair. It is made more bearable when those around us travel through the storms with us. When tragedy befalls somebody... and you wonder what you should do..... what you should say... Please do not let the fear of "saying the wrong thing" stop you from reaching out. Make the call. Send a text. Show up. Give a hug. Make a donation. Say a prayer.

Saying nothing.... or doing nothing..... in my opinion is worse than saying or doing the wrong thing.

Two young children in my community (ages 8 and 14) lost both their dad and their mom this week. I can't even image what they are going through.

Another family in my community lost their father at far to young as well.

Right now, these families need us to travel the storm with them.

I hope they feel flooded with so much love... that someday... they will look back and say as my family does now, "Thank you for weathering the storm with us. Thank you just isn't enough."


https://www.gofundme.com/peck-family-heartbreaking-tragedy

https://www.gofundme.com/chris-may-family