Keeping It Together

"Going all natural."

This week has felt like a week of just "keeping it together". It's felt like that for all three of us. I feel like we're all trying to balance on a seesaw. I'm not sure which direction we're going to land. Forward or backward?

"I have an idea...How about you guys stop poking me with needles." 

Dalley was extubated last Saturday. She has spent the week still being extubated, but they have had to go up on her support (peep and pip) quite a bit. A few times they have thrown out the words of "potential re-intubation". It hasn't come to that yet, but I know it's always a possibility.  

On Wednesday she started to show her classic signs of being sick. High heart rate, high hero score, and higher requirement in ventilation settings. She was also really upset every time we got in to change her diaper or bug her at all. Her hoarse little cry is enough to send me over the edge. She just seemed inconsolable. 

I felt absolutely sick when I left the hospital on Wednesday night. When I called throughout the night and the next morning, our night nurse Amy said that Dalley just didn't seem like herself. It felt like more more evidence in the case that she was getting sick again. I was up at the hospital by 7 AM on Thursday morning. 

Blood was drawn. Labs were completed. No infection. They repeated labs the next day on Friday. The blood work results were actually better than they had been on Thursday, so right now they are not thinking infection. She's just having to work a lot harder to breath right now so it's causing her elevated heart rate... at least, that's the theory. 

Most days it feels like we are running in circles and doing just enough to survive. Thriving is different than surviving. We are surviving right now. 

Friday came around and it felt like the family time we've all been needing. We stayed with her until 11:00 PM. Adam got to hold her for several hours. This little peanut LOVES her daddy. He drew so many smiles from her in the few hours that he was there on Friday night.

Despite the week of "back and forth"..... we have had a few positive moves in the right direction.

Dalley was moved to an open crib. No more isollette.

"They call this a crib? It feels more like a jail cell."

We also gave her another bath. She loved her bath. ........

"This warm water reminds of a place I used to live." 

"This is Lisa, my nurse. Mom calls her the infection Ninja. If I have an infection, she will find it." 

Until we took her out to scrub her head......

"It's freezing out here!" 

I know that I'm her mom and I love her like only a mother can.... but most days I don't FEEL like her mom. I don't think it's something anyone will understand unless they've been in this situation. It's not a natural thing for a mom to leave her baby every night with someone else to take care of. It's not natural to look at your baby through a glass container like she's a hamster in a cage. It's not natural to have other people come pick her up to place her in your arms just so you can hold her. So despite the emotionally hard week, for the first few times I was able to feel more like a mom. I can pick her up in her crib and I got to give her another bath. These are moments that seemed like an eternity away just 2 months ago.

"Big girl scale! I now weigh 3 lbs 8 oz!"

All in all, we survived another week. This week she turned 10 weeks, which would be 34 weeks gestation. I've been told on numerous occasions that most 24 weekers go home around 44 weeks gestation... or longer. Even if that is the case. If we don't go home until she's 44 weeks.... then this week would be our half way point. That feels pretty significant to me.

"PREEMIE POWER!"