Happy

When Dalley was born on December 20, Adam was in between his second and third semesters of PA school.

As if the stress of having a very sick micro-preemie .... Adam was about to begin one of the toughest semesters of his graduate school program. PA school up to that point had been anything but easy. 

There were many sleepless nights when I was laying awake and I would just bawl with the thought of the next few months. "How is he going to do this?".... "If it were me, I couldn't do it. How is he possibly going to do this?"...... "How is he going to be able to focus on his classes when his baby is sick in the hospital?"...... "What if she gets so incredibly sick that he can't give his classes the attention he needs to?"..... "What if she doesn't make it?"......"What if he fails?".

The questions lingered like a dark, heavy cloud. 

We had worked so hard to get into PA school. It has been years of preparation and applications. Sacrifice after sacrifice. Years ago when we decided Adam wanted to apply to PA school, we jumped in with both feet. 

Adam had quit a good paying job doing something he was good at but not passionate about. He went to work as an orderly in a hospital making a substantial less amount of money just to get the health care experience required/recommended. He spend hundred of hours volunteering at free clinics and shadowing PA's of every degree. He went back to school to take the classes he needed in order to apply. Half of the classes were ones he had already taken several year prior but were now considered "too old", so he took them again. Oh.. the joys of being in your mid 30's and deciding to go back to graduate school. 

Sacrifices were made... but we were a team. I helped where I could. I researched schools... booked flights to interviews... even caused him to miss one of those flights when the departure time on the flight interinary said 12:01 AM... and somehow I read 12:01 PM..... That was a super fun day. :) 

The road has been LONG! But we had finally got into the program he wanted at the school he wanted. There seemed to be light at the end of the tunnel. 

Thinking the road could potentially come to such an abrupt and heart breaking halt seemed unbearable. 

One night before the semester began... shortly after Dalley was born, one of Adam's good friends from class came to see us with his wife. I broke down. "Please make sure he's okay. Please take care of him."

The semester began. The going was so hard and rough. 

On a good night he would sleep 4 hours. He studied all the time. It wasn't abnormal for him to spend the night before an exam studying...getting a few hours of intermittent sleep... only to drive up to Salt Lake the following night to see his girls... then to turn around and drive back to Springville to study all weekend. 

With Dalley... there were several moments when I didn't think she would make it through the night. Sometimes I would debate whether or not I should call him. Would it do any good to call him and tell him how bad things are. I couldn't help myself. He's my rock. And we would continue this journey how we had started it.... as a team.

I would call and somedays he would begin the drive up to Salt Lake as things seemed to be turning for the worse... only to turn around when the flames of the tragedy seemed to die down or burn out. Several times he would come up after school just to sit with me while she fought off one of her many infections. 

I counted down the days until the semester was over. Thinking... "if we can get through this semester, we can get through the rest of it."

Well....... He did it. He did it. He did it! 

He called me Friday on his way up to Salt Lake to let me know he had passed the last of his finals. He had passed all of his classes. He did it. 

I hung up and cried tears of joy, relief and pride.

Perfect?.... He is not. Tough as nails?.... he is. Resilient?.....yes. Calm?...... usually. Road rage driver?..... occasionally. Cute?...... so cute! OCD? ...... 100%. Amazing forearms?...... UH HUH! A great dad?...... one of the best. 

From the beginning... life has not been easy for us. I think that's what makes our relationship so special. A lot of things could have easily driven us apart. 

When we first met, it was only a year after my dad had passed away. I was heart broken. Adam himself was going through his own challenging loss as well. We met and found strength and hope in each other. .... 

We got married and our wedding day was less than ideal. My mom had been diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 weeks before we got married. She was too sick to attend our wedding. 

Our reception was in the backyard of our family home. Inside the home... people would be seeing my mom for the last time. 

Outside.... the mood was one of joy and laughter. Inside..... the mood was one of sorrow and tears. It was really hard for me to navigate through the emotions of that day. I was so happy to be marrying my best friend.... I was heartbroken to be losing my mom.

I didn't know if we should even go on our honeymoon. After talking with many friends and family... we all felt at peace with the decision for us to go. We didn't know she was as sick as she was. We left for St. Thomas that day with the promise from my siblings that they would let me know if things started to get bad. 

We were on the island for one day when we got the call saying the cancer had caused her to get gaseous gangrene and she was given only days to live. My sister put the phone up to my mom's ears so I could tell her how much I loved her. I asked her to hold on for me to come say good-bye. I was told she nodded... At this point she couldn't speak because of the severity of thrush in her throat.

Adam paid for first class tickets (as that was all that was left) to fly from the island to Atlanta, Georgia where we would get on a flight from Atlanta to Salt Lake City. It was in the Atlanta airport that I got the call. She was gone. I missed saying good-bye by 6 hours. My mom was gone. My comfort and voice of reason.  My constant cheerleader. 

This is how our marriage began. Fast forward from then to today. We've experienced a few more devastating losses. In our years of marriage we've experienced several years of infertility. We had an ectopic pregnancy that resulted in a 7 week miscarriage.... our first round of IVF resulted in a 9 week miscarriage... and our second round of IVF resulted in the premature delivery of our girls.

A few days after we lost our triplets we were still in the hospital and neither of us had showered in days. One of the nurses led us to a room that had a large shower with a bench and told us that we needed some time together without any visitors. It was in those moments that I realized what I had in him. 

He slowly helped me into the shower. His postpartum, preeclamptic, swollen and grieving wife. He just held me while we cried. This was love. Not the fake or superficial love that only exists in a fictitious world. This was somebody that would never leave me or intentionally hurt me. The kind of love that gets you through the hell life throws at you.

He's my guy.... and I'd choose him again one thousand times over.

And here we sit with our sweet little baby girl in the hospital. 

But this time is different. I no longer feel the pending doom in the air. I am happy. I am excited. I truly believe she is going to be coming home with us. We believe that. The doctors and nurses seem to believe that.

I can't believe we've been here 4 months. Somehow we have..... and we've gone from here.....

To here...

Diaper sizes have changed from here to here.

Dalley technically has 2 different ages. A chronological age and a corrected gestational age. Chronological age she is 4 months. Corrected gestational age she is 10 days. 

She now weighs 6 lbs. 12 oz. According to her corrected gestational age, this puts her in the 7th percentile for weight, 7th percentile for head circumference, and .5 percentile for length.

She was once referred to as the "queen bee"... because she is officially the oldest baby in the NICU right now. It must be her competitive nature.... 

Today was a great day. She has moved from her CPAP oxygen machine to the high-flow oxygen. Her high-flow settings were low enough today that we got to try "non-nutritive" breast feeding. That is when I pump myself completely empty and she attempts to latch. Today she latched 4 times. It didn't last long.... but she did it. It was one of those great moments that I truly felt like her mom. 

We have come so far. I just feel so much gratitude in my heart. The people in our tiny corner of the world have been invaluable. There is a strength when people rally together for a cause. Many have rallied for Dalley. 

We thank you a thousand items over. For Adam's classmates and teachers that helped him along the way. The ones that encouraged him and were a friend to him. The prayers, meals, money and gifts that were provided by so many. The texts and calls. The gofund me account that was so hard for my prideful self to accept but helped and continues to help immensely. My dear friend Markus that didn't listen when I declined the account. The visits... the fund raisers. I cannot believe we have this caliber of people in our corner. 

For the first time in a long time... I looked up to the sky and said a prayer of peace and gratitude. 

Thank you for continuing on this journey with us. The happy ending is coming. Dalley is almost home. 

 Love.... from our family to yours.