Something is working.....

Since 2:00 Am this morning sleep has eluded me. I feel a miracle is taking place and I am at a point in my life where I didn't think miracles happened anymore... at least not for me.

I have been wanting to write a post to give an update on how we got to this point but I haven't even known how to begin. We have so many things to be grateful for right now and I don't think we could have gotten this far without the army of angels and support that we have been given.

When I came into the hospital on Wednesday morning is was because my blood pressures were starting to elevate despite the fact that I had been on blood pressure medication for 10 days. Monday my blood pressure was 162/105 and Tuesday it was 158/102. I texted my doctor those numbers on Tuesday night and he called me back at 7:00 PM. (Shameless plug here for my doctor. Dr. Draper with the University of Utah is AMAZING! He is so down to earth, approachable, attentive, intelligent and compassionate. He has texted and called me on numerous occasions just to "see how I'm doing".)
But... I digress.... He called me a 7 on Wednesday and said if my numbers got that high again then I needed to call him immediately. Well, numbers did not get any better. Wednesday morning they were still high so he called me into the hospital for 24 hour monitoring.

The 24 hour monitoring did show elevated blood pressures and protein in the urine. With my history of severe preeclampsia resulting in the death of our triplets and the fact that my blood pressure has been steadily rising for the past few weeks was cause to put me in the hospital for further monitoring.

Wednesday was a blur. Adam was in school and they put me in labor and delivery for continued monitoring. I felt like I received so many mixed signals regarding my prognosis. From hearing a resident doctor in the hall talking to my nurse (not knowing my door was open) about my protein numbers and how "horrible" and "high" they were  at only 23 weeks to having the neonatologist come in and tell me the risks of having a baby at 23 weeks and all of the grim and bleak things that could go wrong with her if we had to deliver her within the next few days. I felt defeated but somehow despite the things they were saying, I just didn't feel in my heart that we were to that point yet. I didn't think this baby girl would be making her grand entrance any time soon. BUUUUUT..... I was dead wrong in the past when I've tried to remain positive in an eerily similar situation just a year ago.

All we could say is that, IF this baby girl showed up early, we would give her ever fighting chance at life and told the neonatologist that would be our wish. Do everything in their power to keep her alive and if complication arose from that scenario then we would deal with it down the road. But we were going to give her a fighting chance no matter what.

That was Wednesday.

Today it's Friday and the world has shifted.

To be completely honest, the past few years I have been drowning in doubt. Completely unable to speak of God without feeling so terribly lost. I don't even know if it was anger I felt but more a feeling of resignation. I have hit my knees so hard, on so many occasions the past few years begging for miracles that never came. Pleading with a God I wasn't sure was there or even heard me. (He has been quite busy in Syria the past few years so I've tried to be patient). I have become resigned to the fact that, despite the things we ask for, despite the things we plead for, there is a plan far beyond our own that we will never understand. So I had stopped asking. I had resigned. Until now.

We weren't going to tell anyone that we were pregnant. We were going to leave it a mystery and if it worked out in our favor, then our friends and family could be happy for us. If it didn't work out, then we wouldn't feel the need to mourn so openly and I could add to the pile of complaints and questions that I plan on discussing with my maker when I reach the other side. (This will probably be a closed door... lengthy meeting, so my apologies to the individual behind me.)

But when Wednesday came and I was flooded with information regarding "early birth survival rate" and complications she could potentially have IF she did survive being born at 23 weeks, I felt so defeated. My catastrophic mind started planning another funeral for another baby. I reached out to all of our friends and family, and once again, you all pulled through.

Yesterday happened. My blood pressures have been stable and below 140 for over 24 hours and the 24 hour urinalysis for protein did yield protein was in the urine but not as high as they had initially thought. Levels were so good that my diagnosis may change from Preeclampsia to gestational hypertension. My doctor came in yesterday afternoon and said the best words he could have said to me. "I am very happy with where we are. We will not be delivering this baby tomorrow."

We don't know what to say and we don't know how to thank the countless people who have reached out in their own individual way. We know there are friends, family and complete strangers who are praying for us. There are people who, like myself, "haven't prayed in years" or "aren't the praying type" that have sent up requests on our behalf.  There are countless people sending positive affirmations and positive vibes to us. Even a few naughty friends that set up a Go-fund-Me" account on our behalf because they foresaw the financial burden being in the hospital would cause while I am the only one working and my husband is in graduate school. There are people donating to that page. There are people who are sharing that page. My managers at work texting me to tell me that "no matter what, you have a job when you can return". There are people coming up to paint my nails and decorate our room with Christmas decorations so that it can still feel like Christmas. The phone calls. The texts. We could go on and on. We love you.

Please keep the prayers coming. In whatever way you pray and to whatever form of God you pray to... PLEASE keep them coming.  Please keep the positive vibes and affirmations coming. I feel like something is working. When a miracle unfolds, we must acknowlege it. We must acknowledge this. I must acknowledge this. We love you all.

Right now the plan is to keep me here until this baby is born. I am actually okay with that plan. I feel so much peace being in a place with such capable and intelligent medical care professionals. It's looking like delivery date is going from a potential 24-48 hour window to several more weeks.
That is news I can get behind.