Ups and Downs

Today has been a weird day. Ever since Friday I have felt so positive and hopeful that we are going to get several more weeks into this pregnancy and let this little one grow a little more, but today that feeling of hope has been harder to find.

I can't really explain why either. Maybe it was because my blood pressure has been on the cusp of my 160/110 parameters for days.... or maybe it's because in my daily BPP ultrasound they weren't able to see her practice breathing..... or maybe because the first ultrasound wasn't enough and they made me go back for a second, which immediately instilled in my mind a reason to panic..... maybe it's because I woke up emotional because today marks the seven year anniversary of my dad unexpectedly passing away. For whatever the reason, I have been unable to shake this feeling of pending doom and despair.

Tomorrow marks a 24 week gestation. This is considered a viable pregnancy in most hospitals (even though the University of Utah can intervene at 23 weeks). This makes me feel so excited and nervous at the same time.  When you make it past the 23 week gestation point to the 24 week gestation point, the likelihood of survival increases immensely. But I also know the 24-28 week window is the scariest time for a baby to be born because so many complications can be present due to an underdeveloped baby. I hear so many amazing stores from people... who know people...who know a person, who had a baby at 25 weeks, or 27 weeks or 30 weeks.... and that baby is doing awesome. These stories are everywhere and people tell them to me and I am so very grateful that they do. But somehow my catastrophic mind can hear these stories and yet still think, "maybe for them, but maybe not for me."

Some days I am able to combat my catastrophic mind with contradictory positive thoughts. Today has not been that day.

The doctor just came in to tell me that everything is still holding stable and my self diagnosis of SEVERE preeclampsia and a 24 hour pending delivery were incorrect. I didn't realize just how much I was holding in today, because with those few words, tears of temporary relief just came gushing. We've made it one more day. We've made it one more week. This is a victory I am going to let myself celebrate.

Laying in my hospital bed all day it was impossible not to think about my dad. It's hard to believe that it's been seven years since I have had a conversation with the man I admire most. Days like today I wish I had a fraction of his indescribable strength and grit. He could and did weather any storm that life blew his way. He did it without a word of malice, anger or regret. Never once did I hear him complain that life had been unfair to him. He lived his American dream and he loved the people in his world fiercely.

I miss him more than I can say. I remember getting that phone call telling me that he had unexpectedly passed away and I knew my life was never going to be the same. I knew that I was going to have to dig down deep and find a strength inside myself that did not exist at the time. Similar moment of realization have come to me in other times of trial, and this one is no different.

It's time for me to channel my inner Todd Gilbert, and strap on my boots. This trail we are currently on is going to get a lot rougher before we see the light at the end of it. But tomorrow is a new day and with that new day will come new resolve and strength.

Thank you for the continued support and prayers.

Happy Trails.