Enjoying the Moment

In my life, I have developed a terrible habit of being unable to relish life's blissful moments. Even on some of the happiest days of my life, I always have in the back of my mind a cautionary voice telling me that the joy of this moment will not last.... so be prepared for when it ends. I don't like this characteristic of myself.

The day Adam and I got married, my mom was laying in our house dying of cancer and passed away 3 days later. The day we found out we were pregnant with triplets, I was so afraid of the risks that I couldn't enjoy the moment. The day we found out we were pregnant with Dalley, I was overjoyed for a few minutes before realizing the heightened risk I had of developing preeclampsia again. I never really let myself get excited for fear of having to bury another baby. We tried to remain cautiously optimistic but I still have never allowed myself to buy a single baby item for fear that we would have to take stuff back like we did when we lost the triplets. It was too crushing. As much as I hate this characteristic about myself, I feel like it's a form of self preservation. Don't let yourself get to high in excitement because the fall hurts a lot less if it doesn't work out. 

Today was a good day.... and that side of me did not win. It was a good day and I let myself bask in the calm. I'm not naive enough to think we won't have any more bad days... but I let myself enjoy today.

This was Dalley on the day she was born. I remember after I had awoken from the c-section surgery, I asked Adam if she was alive. After he told me that she was, I felt as though I wanted to be happy but I had the same apprehensions. Don't get too happy. Don't get to high. The fall will hurt. 

Every day we would come into the NICU to see her, and I would just stare at her with eyes full of tears and a heart that was so broken and afraid. I was starving for any kind of hope that she was going to be okay. I would ask the nurses constantly for reassurance. I just wanted one person to tell me, "she's going to be fine. You are going to take your baby home." But no one ever did. They never could. They still can't. All they can say to me is, "We are going to do everything we can." 

Here we are 5 weeks later and it is a good day. Today was the first time we have reduced the settings on her Jet ventilator. We have only had to go up on settings to increase the support. Today we went down and she is still able to saturate on her oxygen. Today was also the last day of her antibiotic for the pneumonia. The other blood infection that they thought she had turned out to be a contaminated blood sample. The second sample did not grow anything. And she finally had a full diaper which made her tummy look a lot less scary. 

Normally, I don't think I would have let myself enjoy today in preparation for the next bad day. But I feel like I can begin to taste the hope that I was so thirsty for in the first few weeks. 

She is maturing and filling out. She now weighs 860 grams (1 lb 14 ounces). Only 50+ more grams and she's a 2 pound baby! 

I am going to do my best to let myself try to enjoy these good days as they come, because she deserves that. 

She deserves all of the Faith that we can muster. She gives us Hope. And the Charity, or love we feel for her is something that will drive us forward on the days when it feels completely impossible. 

I guess it's only appropriate that she has 3 big sisters, Faith, Hope and Charity as guardian angels to help her and us along. I'm sure they keep her company more than we know. I know those babies are a powerful force for Dalley.  

Life is so beautifully challenging. We're doing our best to live in the glorious moments when they come. 

Goodnight kisses from Dalley.